Sometimes You have to Give Up to Get More

Well, it has been a long time since I have posted on my blog. I am guilty of being much too busy during the last five months. I actually became more and more inundated with things that I should, have to, need to, ought to do, etc. At least that is what I thought. All I knew is that I was completly frazzled, overwhelmed, and about to quit everything. And I mean everything. Except my husband and kids.

I am sure you know what I mean, when you are on the way to pick up your kids after picking up other kids after working after cleaning up your kitchen after messing it up after calling everyone on the phone to remind them of what you are doing tonight after you get your hubby home do homework make dinner clean up dinner pick up toys while on the phone with work......? Ok that shows the whole validity of my thought processes as they have been recently. I have been so mentally taxed form being to busy that I could hardly complete a coherent thought. Then I had the conversation. I talked to a Jeanie.

Everyone needs a Jeanie in a Bottle who will listen to you and tell you if you are full of bull or not. Actually I am glad it is really just a Jeanie that I need, and not a bottle at all, as we all know where that kind of dependency can lead. So... not bottle. Just a Jeanie. My Jeanie just happens to be a counslor with a PHD. Perfect. I have been seeing Jeanie because as it turns out, I am a bit nuts. Not hugely nuts, mind you, Jeanie says I am having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I don't think that she thinks that I am as nuts as I think I am. Ok? But be it as it may I am/was/is/are having many problems dealing with my father's death....AKA my dad's slow suicide by food and bodily neglect. What happens is when your dad decides to slowly kill himself, as mine did, you have a lot of unanswered questions about WHY. I mean, wouldn't anyone in that situation? You find out that you have some seriously deep personal convictions that are based on your experiences dealing with someone who does not want to live, and when it comes down to it, doesn't want to die either. Sorta like limbo. Very very upsetting.

So I told Jeanie that I was overwhelmed. Unhappy. Miserable. A failure because I could not do all the things that I am SUPPOSED to do. I used words like HAVE TO, SUPPOSED TO, OUGHT TO, SHOULD, NEED TO. Nowhere did I own any of the activities I outlined to her by saying that I WANTED TO do them. Very interesting. No ownership in the things that I am CHOOSING TO do. Like I am some kind of slave. But to who? Where is my whip? Where is my master? Ah HA! It is me. I am a slave to an unrealistic ideal of what I SHOULD be able to accomplish. beating myself into submission with inner taunts and insults. Threatening myself with self censure at nearly every moment. When only perfection will do, what do you do with the rest? The sub standard offering of the NORMAL. Even the above average...or worse the mediocre. Whip some more. Shame some more. Tell myself I am undeserving...unless....Sick.

I went to Jeanie and she told me that doing all of this stuff is not possible. She said that that is why I was having trouble. Then she gave me the kicker and said "What types of activities would you like to add back into your life," This is where I gave the saddest answer in the world. It was was so telling. I said:

I want to play more with my kids. I want to read more to my kids.

Now, everyone has one of those OMG moments, right? It might be an Oh My Gosh moment for some of us, but it is basically the same thing. So I am a stay at home mom who is so busy with work and church and other stuff, that I MISS MY KIDS.

So I added those things back in for the next week, and you know what happened? I liked it, and the things that started to fall naturally to the bottom of the pile were the ones that I knew I needed to let go. The main one was my job.

So I quit it. After nearly 8 years. I am done.

Sunday April 4, 2010

So the drive was decent. The main irk that I had was that I couldn't watch or listen to conference while i was driving the 600 miles to home. That is the biggest bummer, because if I don't see it when it happens, well, I never take the time to go back later and check it out. I just don't. It is not one of my strong points. I have always wanted to be one of those people who streams conference talks since the beginning of time because they missed something or other, but I am not there yet. Too busy living I guess. Some of you in Utah or Idaho are probably wondering why I didn't listen to it on my drive through Montana, so let me just school you on one little point. The radio stations in Montana do not play conference. They play country and you are lucky if you can find that. Mostly they play fuzz, Weeeeeooooooozzzeeeeeeeeeeee and clicks and boring libertarian talk shows that aren't mainstream, and aren't played anywhere else. Also even if I COULD have listened to conference (which I couldn't, so get off your high horse) I am not sure that would have been the smartest move with 3 little kids that are sitting in the car all day. I think most of you probably get the picture.

So the drive was normal. Standard kid movies in the background. Standard potty breaks. Standard car sickness. Standard air conditioner blowing while it is 36 degrees outside to stave off the said sickness. Apples, junior mints, crackers, water, apples, carrots, PB sandwich, WW bagel and a bit of Monster Drink-just for safety's sake. Standard ask for the binky 1000 times. How could I have forgotten that thing anyway. Insanity.

When we arrived in my hometown, I went straight to the hospital. I looked for parking but every space seemed to have a specific function to frustrate me. Special parking for this and that. How about parking for a mom with 3 kids who drove all day to see my dying dad? How about a frickin parking spot for that???? I finally picked a spot designated for something or other and cursed at it under my breath, as I ignored the specific type of person who was allowed to park there. I walked in through the emergency door, and there were these signs with arrows to where I needed to go. The kids were waddling from being in the car for so long. A wanted to walk on her own so I didn't carry her. Passed the lab, passed the medical office building. Watching the blue squares appear before us on the floor and then disappear beneath our feet and behind us. We went up the elevator to the fifth floor and then to the room. I think it was 511. As soon as you step off the elevator there is a nurses station there. I walked past with my noisy giggly talky crowd of kids. And then I walked into dad's room. My mom was there. She looked tired. Exhausted. Worn to a frazzle. Poor Mom. There was dad too. The whole reason I came here. He looked so thin and old. I guess when you die, you just begin to look worn out, and he had certainly earned his looks. He was on Fentanol patches to control the pain from his af and infections. He didn't seem like he was completely there, but that is ok. It was still good to see him. I talked to my mom. She was drinking from some kind of self recycled clear plastic cup with watered down caffeine free diet coke in it. The ice made tiny lumps in the top of the drink which showed the fact that the ice was nearly gone, and the drink was neither fresh nor ice cold. My kids were restless and after talking to mom, my dad had to have d so we all went to the waiting area on floor 5 and talked to mom. S wanted to read the people magazine and I told here no way. That magazine is sure as hell not for kids. It is pretty much a clothing optional mag. So once that was ironed out my mom told me how weak and done my dad was. It was sad hearing her talk about it. Then my uncle m came and it was nice to see him. My dad sure loves him, he is one of the greatest brothers. So we talked to him for awhile, and eventually were able to go back in and see my dad. Mom said that someone from the ward was bringing dinner. I think it was Janet and she brought a white chicken lasagna. K was expecting me at moms house. I told the kids to give grandpa a hug. Grandpa is in a hospital gown and doesn't exactly look like grandpa, so they are a little worried. A goes first and gives him a hug, then S gives one of her small gentle hugs. So sweet. Finally I pick up little A and plop her on my dads right side in the crook of his arm with her head on his chest. His weak arm went around her and gave her a pat. She snuggled into him completely and he gave a big smile and a chuckle as he gave her a squeeze. It was the last smile and chuckle I saw and heard from my dad. I took the kids back through the Hospital/labrynth and we made our way back to the van. I feel numb and not from the cold. It is coming from inside. I can tell it is my mind's way of protecting me so that I don't tear my hair out and scream. Because it is nearly all over and soon he will be gone.

So then I packed everything up for the kids and I. What do you bring? Heck. When you get news like your dad "might" die or he could take up to two or three weeks to pass away-or he could decide to go back on dialysis, then what should you pack? Well. I decided to pack the safe route and assume that my dad would go through with his decision to go off of dialysis. In this effect he would be dead sooner or later. In case it was sooner, I brought the church clothing. This trip preparation felt hurried. I went to Walmart and bought snacks and a $30 cell phone to take on the trip with me so that I would have communication. I thought about taking my gun and decided I didn't really want to open carry it all the time or juggle the safety of having the weapon around 10 little kids.

Earlier in the morning my brother and I had some serious faith related discussions that were often on my mind during the day. There was an oppressive heavy feeling in my heart and I tried to attribute it to the fact that dad was going to die, but talking so candidly about faith was a little disconcerting at such a sensitive time. I think it is because in life or death times you would like to be able to slide through on your faith and not really delve into the deep stuff. When you are having turbulence in your life, you like to submerse into the calm comfort of your faith, and after such immersive discussion, the waters of my faith were pretty choppy. Not exactly where you want to be when you are trying to keep your head above water.

So with that on my mind, I had funeral clothing packed and no gun, plus new phone. Chad and I were going to spend some time together but I wasted part of it playing sudaku. Can't really say I blamed myself though. It was tough to deal with the earlier discussion and the facts of the change occuring in my family. I just felt numb. Not sure I felt like connecting to anyone. Not even my husband. You see, it is all really complicated to get my mom where she needs to be once my dad is dead because she is blind. I don't mean"Boy, she sure is blind without her glasses", or gosh she needs a little more light to read. I mean Tap-Your-White-Stick-Qualify-For-Blind-Dog-Can't-See-Shit-Blind. Literally she can't see shit so I don't feel bad using the language to embellish that statement. Sorry to all you language prudes out there. So not only is the faith thing all up in turmoil, dad is trying to die, and mom can't get anywhere without him.

It makes me worried for her, except that she has so many great friends. Really great friends. At least I hope they come through for her.

So I decide that I am gonna wake up at 3:30 am to leave on Sunday morning-I mean after all-I have canceled Easter-at least in the our house. C agreed that it would be a great idea. I can't abide the thought of setting out a bunch of sugar soaked calorie laden pagan baskets for my kids right before I have to be stuck in the car with them for 10 hours. No way. S-ooooorry. So that meant not dying any eggs either. After all, there is enough dying going on with my dad. Continued......later :)

So on Friday night L instant messaged me about whether Mom had talked to me or not. i said that she hadn't and my first question was if Dad had died. She said No, that that was what she had thought at first too, but that he had decided to go off of dialysis and that he was in the hospitol and then twould go into the nursing home to die. When I heard this I had very mixed feelings because my mom has been taking such intensive personal care of my dad for the last few weeks. i was hoping the something magical would happen that would make it possible for him to get better, but when you are in end stage kidney failure, that is not gonna happen. In fact there is really no way up from here if you catch my drift. Dialysis is a last resort end of the road for many diabetic patients, and the alternative is death. On Saturday morning I had to get my hair colored, and I was feeling pretty meloncholy so I told chad that I wanted to cancel Easter, and do it another time. We listened to the first session of conference and I printe off conference packets from Sugardoodle.com for the kids. It really helped them to enjoy the talks better. They sat for nearly the whole first session, whicfh surprised me. I am so glad that I got to hear the talks in the first session. C was working on his work project and trying to get a bug figured out. After I left, I went straight to get my hair done. I swear Misty is the absolute best hair dressser in the world, and your life really sucks if you don't have her doing your hair. The saddest part is that you don't even know, because you have your boring old hair lady that you are used to. No offense, but she is really that great. Anywho....
After an immeasurably great hair style and color from Misty, I went home to the family. At this time I called about 20 people to get ready to go out of town. Called G, called C, N, K, J you name it I had so much that had to be done to get my crap together before I left town, I had a flight to cancel, a conference to cancel, two YW activities, an SC audit, you name it, I had to cancel it. Saddest thing is that C could not go with me to IF. It is horrible not to have him btw. To be continued....

So another day another day! Well it started at 4:30 with Anna waking up with a sore throat. Got her snuggled back down and snoozed until 5 at which time I buzzed out to the gym to spin. Got home helped the daughters to school and cleaned my heart out. C helped me last night with an artsy project on Inkscape. It is making signs for the activity day girls. I think they are gonna turn out super cute. I am making them for Sandy who is in the Stake Presidency that has to do the the activity day girls. When I showed her the phone we made, she really liked it. I have to do a bit more on it so that it is perfect, but it should be pretty cool!
Tonight was also a board meeting for the CU so that was great, and I got to talk to the board about the retirement party. I hope that G really likes it. She has worked so hard and really deserves a great sendoff. We talked about the new guy who is coming and he sounds really great. I hope that he likes it here and that he is a good steward. Tomorrow there is gymnastics and then an egg hunt party. I hope I can seriously get my crap together! I hope to read scriptures with the man in a bit!