Sometimes You have to Give Up to Get More

Well, it has been a long time since I have posted on my blog. I am guilty of being much too busy during the last five months. I actually became more and more inundated with things that I should, have to, need to, ought to do, etc. At least that is what I thought. All I knew is that I was completly frazzled, overwhelmed, and about to quit everything. And I mean everything. Except my husband and kids.

I am sure you know what I mean, when you are on the way to pick up your kids after picking up other kids after working after cleaning up your kitchen after messing it up after calling everyone on the phone to remind them of what you are doing tonight after you get your hubby home do homework make dinner clean up dinner pick up toys while on the phone with work......? Ok that shows the whole validity of my thought processes as they have been recently. I have been so mentally taxed form being to busy that I could hardly complete a coherent thought. Then I had the conversation. I talked to a Jeanie.

Everyone needs a Jeanie in a Bottle who will listen to you and tell you if you are full of bull or not. Actually I am glad it is really just a Jeanie that I need, and not a bottle at all, as we all know where that kind of dependency can lead. So... not bottle. Just a Jeanie. My Jeanie just happens to be a counslor with a PHD. Perfect. I have been seeing Jeanie because as it turns out, I am a bit nuts. Not hugely nuts, mind you, Jeanie says I am having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I don't think that she thinks that I am as nuts as I think I am. Ok? But be it as it may I am/was/is/are having many problems dealing with my father's death....AKA my dad's slow suicide by food and bodily neglect. What happens is when your dad decides to slowly kill himself, as mine did, you have a lot of unanswered questions about WHY. I mean, wouldn't anyone in that situation? You find out that you have some seriously deep personal convictions that are based on your experiences dealing with someone who does not want to live, and when it comes down to it, doesn't want to die either. Sorta like limbo. Very very upsetting.

So I told Jeanie that I was overwhelmed. Unhappy. Miserable. A failure because I could not do all the things that I am SUPPOSED to do. I used words like HAVE TO, SUPPOSED TO, OUGHT TO, SHOULD, NEED TO. Nowhere did I own any of the activities I outlined to her by saying that I WANTED TO do them. Very interesting. No ownership in the things that I am CHOOSING TO do. Like I am some kind of slave. But to who? Where is my whip? Where is my master? Ah HA! It is me. I am a slave to an unrealistic ideal of what I SHOULD be able to accomplish. beating myself into submission with inner taunts and insults. Threatening myself with self censure at nearly every moment. When only perfection will do, what do you do with the rest? The sub standard offering of the NORMAL. Even the above average...or worse the mediocre. Whip some more. Shame some more. Tell myself I am undeserving...unless....Sick.

I went to Jeanie and she told me that doing all of this stuff is not possible. She said that that is why I was having trouble. Then she gave me the kicker and said "What types of activities would you like to add back into your life," This is where I gave the saddest answer in the world. It was was so telling. I said:

I want to play more with my kids. I want to read more to my kids.

Now, everyone has one of those OMG moments, right? It might be an Oh My Gosh moment for some of us, but it is basically the same thing. So I am a stay at home mom who is so busy with work and church and other stuff, that I MISS MY KIDS.

So I added those things back in for the next week, and you know what happened? I liked it, and the things that started to fall naturally to the bottom of the pile were the ones that I knew I needed to let go. The main one was my job.

So I quit it. After nearly 8 years. I am done.