So then I packed everything up for the kids and I. What do you bring? Heck. When you get news like your dad "might" die or he could take up to two or three weeks to pass away-or he could decide to go back on dialysis, then what should you pack? Well. I decided to pack the safe route and assume that my dad would go through with his decision to go off of dialysis. In this effect he would be dead sooner or later. In case it was sooner, I brought the church clothing. This trip preparation felt hurried. I went to Walmart and bought snacks and a $30 cell phone to take on the trip with me so that I would have communication. I thought about taking my gun and decided I didn't really want to open carry it all the time or juggle the safety of having the weapon around 10 little kids.

Earlier in the morning my brother and I had some serious faith related discussions that were often on my mind during the day. There was an oppressive heavy feeling in my heart and I tried to attribute it to the fact that dad was going to die, but talking so candidly about faith was a little disconcerting at such a sensitive time. I think it is because in life or death times you would like to be able to slide through on your faith and not really delve into the deep stuff. When you are having turbulence in your life, you like to submerse into the calm comfort of your faith, and after such immersive discussion, the waters of my faith were pretty choppy. Not exactly where you want to be when you are trying to keep your head above water.

So with that on my mind, I had funeral clothing packed and no gun, plus new phone. Chad and I were going to spend some time together but I wasted part of it playing sudaku. Can't really say I blamed myself though. It was tough to deal with the earlier discussion and the facts of the change occuring in my family. I just felt numb. Not sure I felt like connecting to anyone. Not even my husband. You see, it is all really complicated to get my mom where she needs to be once my dad is dead because she is blind. I don't mean"Boy, she sure is blind without her glasses", or gosh she needs a little more light to read. I mean Tap-Your-White-Stick-Qualify-For-Blind-Dog-Can't-See-Shit-Blind. Literally she can't see shit so I don't feel bad using the language to embellish that statement. Sorry to all you language prudes out there. So not only is the faith thing all up in turmoil, dad is trying to die, and mom can't get anywhere without him.

It makes me worried for her, except that she has so many great friends. Really great friends. At least I hope they come through for her.

So I decide that I am gonna wake up at 3:30 am to leave on Sunday morning-I mean after all-I have canceled Easter-at least in the our house. C agreed that it would be a great idea. I can't abide the thought of setting out a bunch of sugar soaked calorie laden pagan baskets for my kids right before I have to be stuck in the car with them for 10 hours. No way. S-ooooorry. So that meant not dying any eggs either. After all, there is enough dying going on with my dad. Continued......later :)